Guilt!

I could still remember that day, freshly engraved in my brain!


It was late, around 10 pm, i was on my way back to home by cycle from my late class.

It was winters, i was fully covered in sweatshirt, my woolen gloves on, and my face covered.

My earphones on, still remember the song that was playing on “baby!”- Justin biebers trending song those days.

I was suppose to take a u-turn for my home, but i stopped when i suddenly heard a “scream”.

I saw a small puppy shivering, out of cold! I stopped by then, and looked if i could find his mom.

Unfortunately! he was alone by himself, i didn’t know what to do now, i was a kid, and it was late already..

I took my scarf off and put on him, i also wanted to feed him but, no store were there that time.

I had a second thought if, “i could just go home and then get some help for him”.

Well, then i went by my cycle to home.


All my way home, i was thinking of him, if he could just surviveby any chance!

I reached home! I ran till i ran out of my breath and quickly keeping my bags in my room… A phone ranged, i was there so i picked it up, i still remember how happy was i after that call.

The call that came, was congratulations for my selection by my coach.

It was the happy moment! I shared that news and then we celebrated, that delicious food, everything was perfect.

The next day, off to my school, that morning i remembered something!

I without a second thought, rode my cycle so fast, in the hope to see him.

I was on that u-turn and i couldn’t see him, i was already getting late for my school, so i just took a look nearby and thought he must have went somewhere else.


On my way home from school, earphones on, i saw him, i saw his tail on that u-turn, i was surprised, eagerly i went closer, i could then see his only tail!

And his body apart from him, i couldn’t believe, what i just saw!

I didn’t know what to do, but i was staring him for an hour…


The guilt” that day was more dominant than the happiness of selection!

Strokes of living!

Leaving some things behind, keeping it undone behind, some glitch thats happened!


Started in a hope to happen something big of it, but its now just a bitsy of it.

Standing there stummed, felt so dumb, after all, letting things go, ain’t a piece of cake though!


Yes i know! I gave up all of me on it,but before i could even had enough of it, it glided all the way by my hands, and thats it!

My heart whispered, don’t be ashame, look back for once and get it done, for the sake of your struggle and the love you spent there, it looks so ugly when undone!

But wait! I can try again, because hey, i could refresh my mind and start again.


Now when i look back, the things were meant to stay unfinished, i felt!

For me to understand, not everything you start is suppose to get complete and not everything you wish, gets fulfil.

So hey there! My every imperfect work thats done and relations thats stagnant, at least i could now complete my sleep that was left behind during my struggle to solve the mystery of our relation, which sucked!

But thanks to my wholesome people, who made my journey so truesome!

To the things i thought were suppose to get absolute, taught me, “I could have survived without even starting it.”

But now, that i have opened the cap of paint bottle, i am suppose to put a brush and paint a complete beautiful painting out of it, i here thought after giving only some strokes, it looked better without any extra touch, the pattern looked wholesome in its own way, why not leave it the way it is now!


That way i was happy, even if things didn’t went the way it was suppose to be, i was joyful in my strokes that was undone!


Some strokes that i drew for my living


Newcomer…


I was excited to meet new people, friends, new classrooms….


More than that, i was too excited to show them my new pencil box, bags, and my new ironed uniform that i would wear on my first day of school.

Leaving my all old friends and the place behind, i was ready to breath a fresh new air in a new place.

Excited but worried, if they would accept me, if i am not weird to them, weird in my behaviour or my name.

I was in a fear, but i didn’t think much about it, i was ready to build my new identity, my new me version! infront of them.

I imagined myself being a jolly, happy person who could make anyone laugh and make them stay with me, i wanted to build that personality.

Lots of thoughts, new experiment it felt like!


I was standing infront of the door of my new class, ready to meet fresh new faces.


I introduced myself, which i wasn’t ready for, i stumbled, i stammered! But continued even if i could hear my heart beats more than my words.

The first friend of mine, the first bench i sat on, the first class we had, and the fresh smell of the rain that came that time, it reminds me all the time when the first rain arrives!

Eager to tell everything that happened at my home, pedalling my cycle, hearing its sound, wearing that new rain coat on my way home, i still remember the first rain, what it felt like.


“I know we all still remember that day!”

Silence, shush!

It is all calmed now!

A silence felt just before a storm now.

I could probably wait and watch for it to arrive, for me to survive!

I know my hands are tightened and legs are frightened!

All you can do is wait and watch, just like before when are going to caught up , you pray for miracle to happen soon!

Not a crime is done here, neither is anything broken here!

Its the good things i can feel now, still a feeling of that silence is right besides my face now!

The silence before a storm, storm of your future with your past on it, for it to just die before!

Breakdown


It’s the same night again, i know this feeling, this feeling is too friendly, but the feeling that’s unwanted.


Again the feeling of broken! Again the hearts heavy, once again i couldn’t handle things. I am strong!

The wound is same, i can feel my hearts ready to burst.

And i am just so used to it now, that my mind deny to cry!

It says enough of this cycle of getting hurt, let’s stop the cycle now!

Let’s just stop it! By not expressing your weakness anymore.

Because i am tired now, so tired that the only thing left is to write.

To write down the words spoken after my breakdown, because this time i cannot affort to cry, but in the hope i might remember this feeling everytime i read this writing of mine and each word i suffered while typing.


I am lost once again, well its again and again, can’t afford to lose myself, want to cry out loud, but the mind says not right now!

The feeling that i am used to, is so strong that i sometimes feel,somethings’s wrong when everthing goes fine, waiting for that feeling to break again..

Here i stand to fall again!

Waiting for someone who could just stop these nights, and the feelings of mine.


This is the time, where i don’t need motivation, no practical thinkings but just a support! Just to listen my heart.


Anger!


Not less than a weapon.


We all are very aware and have experienced the word ” anger “.

It sometimes call for a war, lives of thousands of people, because anger doesn’t works alone! It need hatred, selfishness, and ego with it. Enough to make a cold war.

Anger of dissapointment, anger of selfishness, anger of rebel, anger of rivals. All type is unique in its own way and very harmful too.

We all have that angry ball, waiting to stimulate and burst out of hell, words which are going to penetrate through heart and then slowly making the opponent feel so weak, that the words stays for years in their minds.

Anger to cover up, it is somtimes used to hide our feeling, but at a cost of hurting other.

Anger to convey, to let the person know that we are angry at them, sometime we use very bad words in it too.

Anger of love, caring too much for someone can make you angry too.

Out of all of the above, Anger of hatred is very dangerous, just like a bomb ready to land.

We all don’t start hating people all out of sudden, it has a process, very long process to hate someone that it can go to any extent.

The process, where we built the imagine of the people so badly that the thinking becomes very cruel.

Sometimes, our mind convince us that the things we are doing are so right, even if it is bad and we lose the control of realization there itself.

Once you hit the button of hatred towards the people, there is no going back, hard to understand and easy to hate is only left behind.

We are living in a world where we need or find reason to love someone, but a pinch of mistake can make us hate people so easily, as i said choosing to hate is the easiest part”.


Hating and not liking sometimes gets mixed up, thus we need to keep our mind stable.

Just like any other feelings, hate is also one of those, unless it causes trouble to someone physically and mentally.

We get offended on such little things these days, so easily that it makes us insane sometimes!

Anger and hatred when combined, it destroys someones life, relation, trust...

“Just think once before you tag someone, before you hate someone, because anger is capable to stop our thinking process!”



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Hope that we help eachother in growing together, click the link below if you feel it interesting and i appreciate your love-patreon.com/lessonoflife thanks for your reading, stay stuned.


Dear love

Well, this was tough for me to write this to you, because there’s a lot to tell and lots of feelings!

I know i havent tell you that i love you, but trust me i on this earth would never love someone this deeply but only you.

We being indians do not say these words because we understand each other, but for a change we should! Because words can sometimes be too strong and capable of tranferring feelings straight to our hearts!

There is a lot of things i want you to know, most of which i want you to know is that i cant imagine my life without you, like whom will i complain about my stupid life, share lots of jokes and that look of youes when you laugh so hard, i personally think when you are happy we all eventually becomes.

But also i know, we dont do lots of thing to keep you happy, but i try i guess.

You should know that my day, when i am home, goes well only when you are happy, listening to your lame jokes, that act of yours, that just makes my day.

I also dont feel good when you are angry or disappointed or feeling low.

I just want every pain of yours to just fly by.

Also, we all know that for you we are your only world, we totally know that and same goes for us too.

Never think that you are alone, because i will be always there whenever you will need me.

I also know you feel insecured and more worried when i stay away, but trust me i take very good care of mine, i also become selfish sometimes but thats the only way to stay out safely away from home.

Because if we are not selfish, people are always there to take advantage of your simplicity, i am also rude to many people, by the way. And i dont know why that happens, may be because i just cant act fake, i just express my true self infront of them which can be sometimes rude to them. At times we really want our personal space and for you to understand that we are grown ups, take your time to accept it but it really feels suffocated when you all try to control it, just let us go.

Whenever i talk to you, i feel like my life is sorted and what else do i want, but the world isnt that good, thats the temporary happiness but i always love that happiness.

When i am out on my own, i come into real world, where people dont care actually, unlike you i found every individual selfish.

And why wouldn’t they be selfish, after all everyone wants to live in this harsh reality world.

It took time for me accept the truth of life, when i came out of very secured world that you created for us, always caring, selfless loving love for us, hiding the harsh reality of world from us.

But it was necessary for me to understand your love, while i was out there.

And of course i knew your love for me from the very begining but i felt that love when i was away from you.

First few days, staying there i really wished that i dont want to deal to these people and just come home.

But slowly i was getting used to it, i understood how things work, how people are and how to behave out there in this world.

Now that i am staying there for a long time, i really got used to it, where i learnt things of reality which i couldnt learn in books.

And making my own identity, my space in this world.

It was hard, and its not like i am saying i already know how world or reality is, i am still learning but at least now i am not at the first stage of real facing world.

I have seen many types people,friends, their different behaviours and understanding their intentions, it took time for me to understand all of these.

Once we create our own identity in this real life, we are so into this, like i feel independent, and that really felt good.

But also with independency, comes responsibilty of our own mostly, taking much more care, staying alert all the time, also even the questions like whom to trust or who is enemy of yours.

You know people say, that when you let your child out, they change! The thing here what they dont think of is why would they not change, staying home and having a secure and safe life is way different than facing outside world, if we dont change we could barely survive there, because people are not always like you out there. We change for our own sake to survive this world.

There was a lot of stuff that i experienced, but still there is a lot to experience. Now that i have seen how the world is outside the house, away from you, i really love you more like anything.

And you wont believe me, but all of my friends know that the only person i trust fully is you! And not even them, also that makes them believe that they are not that good friends, but what to do i cant act fake!

Talking about friends now, i would also love to tell you that, until i went there i really didnt know the true value of friends, because i never felt the need of true friends, thats because i had you and our family.

But again, friends are really supportive at least someone who could act you or taking care or support in things, but not like you! Because you are way too pure.

As we all living here without our family, the only option is to support each other and at least which will not feel that you are in a total strange world, feels like there is someone else too in our life who other than family care for us, but that doesnt mean that they are everything.

Family and friends are two different things, we all realise that, we can never mix these two things up, they both in their place is good.

That bond of friendship i never experienced is what good happened here!

But still, we all miss our family at some situations too much, that we really just want to leave everything and come to you all.

The time i really missed you is the care and pampering u give, which no friend can fulfil that there.

You have no idea, how much do i love you, how much do i care for you, because i never showed it, and i dont know why, may be we are embaressed to show love infront of everyone and we are not embaressed to fight infront of everyone. How strange is that, right?

Whereas, you never compromised in showing love, thats how moms are.

I still feel bad, that you compromised on things that i could never imagine of, i will never know through what things you have gone through and still you can laugh! I really respect that.

You have been through many tough situations, faced many problems and what not! You know looking at you i find myself very selfish, because you care for us alot and you expect so little.

Talking about your health, i really cannot face the truth that what if you will not be in my life, i just cannot never imagine my life without you, i really want you to stay healthy, please because when the thoughts hits me that you wont be there i cant handle myself, i go numb. Really!

I really want you to stay healthy and fit!

I sometimes dont know, why i act so strong or stone hearted but trust me i am really emotional more than anything.

I feel like losing you, will be losing myself, that thought is really scary.

I sometimes really wish telling you everthing about my life, like every single thing, but then i also know you are my mom you will get insecured and will worry and that you will really get tensed.

When i have fights with you, which i unintentionally do, in the end i just want you to know that whatever you say or think about me is so wrong

I know at times i make mistakes but please dont tag me or compare me with people i dont want to. Because in the end i realize my mistakes but just because i couldnt say that i got uh or i understand you doesnt mean i am against you!

I just need some time for myself to realize my mistake, but remember always i have always respected you and also will.

At times i need your support and your understanding, i want you to trust me, i just want you to know that whatever i am doing has no harm, at times i want you know that just like technology, there is also a change in this generation thinking, which you will find weird or unacceptable sometimes, but its just like going with the generation and towards develpoment.

At times, i just want you to talk about things which you or i am avoiding always to know our thoughts. At times i want you to upgrade our relation. Talking about anything or whatever i feel.

Also, just like me, let me know what do you want from me!

You are the only most important thing in my life, trust me. And i know i will also not talk to you like now,way i am writing, face to face because i dont know the reason why do i act like that!

I hope i put all the topics clearly, still there is a lot to talk…HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER!

A Charming day

Hello to the world

Lovely morning, text from you, worth the morning!

Hopes to see, that day to meet.

The omelette that day, didn’t taste like usual, but more of the taste i can still remember!

Coffee being too sweet, wind being too calm.

Long that day it seemed, eager to greet.

Noticed my pimple that showed up, regretting the spicy junky food, why on the earth did i choose that!

Nothing more confused me, than having a dress on, that indicates me!

“Flowery” too girly, “crop top” too funky, “blue jeans” too ordinary, i totally had became too picky!

Walking to the door to open, a deep breath taken.

Hiding my stunned look, to not make it seem too creepy, calmed by the situation. The day took off too soon.

Waking up too late, wondering the guy i met in dream!

A dream, weird in its own way, i wondered when will it come next.


That day i smiled, wondering about, the fairy tale i just saw.


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World of imagination

I have my own world, where i imagine things that real world can’t offer me, and i think most of us have their own too.

The world where, i am the iron man! (Besides, i don’t die there at end), i fight enemies.

Well, in this world i categorize my real life people into, the one i want in my life, the one i want to show them who is the boss, the one i care for.

So,i create a situation, build your own place it can be your house or anything, now imagine, what you wanted from the person you last met, play the drama!

It is the game of thoughts, where you can play any thing of your own, after all you are the owner of your own world!

Not long, but a temporary relief from my real world where i sometimes like to stay in the “world of imagination”.

Most us, do have this kinda world in there brain, where it only activates for your sake of happiness!

I wonder what kinda yours is? The one you stay safe there! Avoid the traffic of negative people.

About mine, i have the exact infracture of it as my real world is, the characters although are in my control.

I stay there at night before i sleep.

It totally depends on my current situation what type of character do i want to play, may it be of sadness, happiness, evil sometimes, and a hero of course.

The world of wants, needs, comfort, happiness, joy, sadness.

The second world where no one can judge us, treat us wrong or injusticed.

Kids have a bigger world of imagination though, i could never imagine of! No doubt why they laugh at things a lot.

We all have that kid inside us, wanting to be happy without a reason!

I don’t care anymore!

I still talk to many people, i still make more new friends, i still hang out with them at nights.

I still love hot coffee, at night.

I still laugh in public so hard that it drives their attention to me.

I still wear that mens watch, i still stare at the things i like.

I still roam in a mall, window shopping my half day.

I still hold the cup by both hands.

I still sleep at night under a blanket at summers.

I still talk to my bestfriends at 2am.

I still have the same hairstyle.

I still love wearing shoes…


“And i still don’t care about the things you wanted about me to change, because i dont care anymore!”

Things never changed for me earlier and neither will, while you gone.

Only the thing that is changed is the more love for myself..

So, i don’t care what you might think, i don’t care about your suggestions anymore, i don’t care about what you think of me, and my behaviour.


I don’t care anymore, because while i was caring for you, you chose to lecture me about how to behave like a girl!

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